I’m not only pretentious, I’m awkward too.

When I was seven, I fell from jumping on the couch. I smacked my chin on the floor and it didn’t end well.

When I was nine, I found out I had an irrational fear of swing sets and see-saws. Go figure.

When I was 13, I stepped on dog poop. In a moment of panic, I wiped my shoe against the toilet seat in school. The punchline? People thought it was mine.

When I was 15, I became the guinea pig for a friend’s potential-first-kiss experiment. One guy saw it and probably thought we were lesbians.

When I was 17, I contracted UTI and had my first rectal examination. (I don’t want to talk about it.)

When I was 19, I ditched my scholarship, killed* my school, and joined the writing business.

*And by killed, I meant dropped out.

If you say something smart, I’ll slap you silly. The Golden Girls™

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